In February of 2026 I flew into Michigan to help with my dad he was not feeling well after 5 days just helping he asked me to cancel my flight to go home it was supposed to be just a short trip nothing serious I took him to the hospital in 10 days he passed away I'm a very aggressive cancer. My mother is 91 years old and cannot take care of herself she needs help I close my house in Florida and move back to Michigan to take care of my mom you may be scratching your head and thinking when I just take her to Florida we'll have six brothers and sisters and they don't want her to go to Florida so because of expenses I can't buy another house so we rented a two bedroom apartment no steps. Now back to my six brothers and sisters who think it's a horrible thing not seeing her mother when they want there's only three that come around and help and the help is an hour at a time maybe 2 hours. Sometimes I think about wanting my life back then I feel guilty about thinking like that. Then I think it sure would be nice to have acknowledgement from the brothers and sisters , a thank you goes a long way right? Selfish of me to want that?
Have you acquired one or started looking?
All kinds of feelings come up when dealing with challenges / family / grief as you are. There is a major difference between self-less, and selfish. We all need to take care of our self - and validate our self.
And guilt is a tough one. We need to learn how to process through while valuing our self and what we do, do.
How we experience feelings - and realizing our responses / behavior (could be /) are rooted (wired) in our brain and body from decades ago if not from childhood.
When you feel good about yourself, you will value yourself and not expect or need validation from others.
In other words, sure it would be nice if your siblings supported you 'more' - however, you recognize how they are / their limitations / and you move on - giving yourself support by thanking yourself inside knowing you are doing all you can to... and not waste energy on them.
I learned the value of forgiveness. You forgive the person. You do not forget the behaviors --- so you adjust as needed - and find your support system elsewhere.
None of this is easy - it takes constant awareness to value our self ... moment by moment ... building our self esteem, taking care of our self when we are exhausted.
If you have an aggressive cancer (sorry to hear), I support you to put 100% of your energy (mind and body) into you. A therapist can help you. Find one through cancer MD / of association. And, I send a THANK YOU to you for all you do / have done.
Gena / Touch Matters
everyone looking after number one
you must wake up to the fact your life is as important as everyone else and if you’re just getting minimal help it’s ok to say to them I can’t cope I either need more help or mum needs to go into a home where she. CAn be cared fir better
they don’t deserve the truth
tell them your medical has come up with dangerously high blood pressure and you’ve been told you need to step back from the stress and release the caring
if they’re looking after number one ( themselves) you do as well
you made huge sacrifices and time has elapsed and you can see now how the strain is affecting you and the fact you have no life of your own /,
people need to give you days off
…your mother needs to go into care dear
dont feel guilty - youve made huge sacrifices and given a lot- you can’t cope anymore - dont feel bad about that- feel proud you coped for so long!
Investigate options then hard conversations with your family
I can’t cope anymore
the help im getting isn’t enough and my health is on serious levels
I’ve looked into care options and these are the options
we need to agree as a family
if they disagree then tell them they need to be allocated fair amount of days to look after ‘their’ mother
Do it asap
You may suggest that if they cannot help in person, that a little bit of financial help, would allow you to hire someone to help clean, or be a companion for her so you can get a break or run errands. Maybe afford some Door Dashed food or groceries, to lighten your load. They may live the idea of helping their Mom financially, without the hands on care. I doubt her sons want to diaper or shower her at any point. Remember to thank your siblings for any help they give, and not to pressure them to all do equal things. It seems like the only fair way, but it just usually does not work out that way.
Best of luck to you all! 🙏❤️🍀
She can stay in the apartment with your siblings all taking turns to help her. She can stay in the apartment with hired help. She can move in with one of your siblings. She can rotate living with your siblings. She can move to assisted living, memory care, or a skilled nursing facility.
Does anyone have her POA?
Do you still have your house in Fla?
And since you stepped up, why would they even need to as they think you have it all under control right?
We see and hear this exact situation all the time here on Aging Care about one sibling doing all the work for their parent(s) while the rest just get on with living and enjoying their lives.
And to be honest I don't believe that any parent in their right mind would want any of their children giving up their lives for them.
Your mom is 91 and has lived a good long life. If her care is now too much for you perhaps it best that you and her look into getting her placed in an assisted living facility where she'll receive the 24/7 care she now requires and you can get back to just being her loving son and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
Remember...this is a choice that you and you alone have made, so don't be mad at your siblings because they've not made the same choice as you.
I do hope you'll seek some good therapy so you can get to the bottom of why you think it has to be you that has to do the hands on caregiving now for your mom when there are other good options out there for her....and you.