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Hi,
A couple of weeks ago I posted about my 82 year old mother and my flourishing relationship with my wonderful partner.
At this time I am living with her. But my partner and I are moving towards marriage while also trying to navigate significant challenges with our current living situations.
This morning, my mother said she thinks he is just looking for someone to take care of him, and described him as a “decrepit old man” and she is on the outside looking in; “I know you’re attached to him but I’m not wrong.”She is wrong. I have been in this relationship for a year and this man has never showed me anything of the sort. He is bending over backwards to be in my life.
I literally just got up and walked out of the room, and I don’t know who else to vent to. I am on the verge of packing up my stuff and high-tailing it out of this house. I also am considering never talking to her or seeing her again.
Somebody-please help…

Goodness gracious .

Move out .
Then if Mom is not safe home alone call APS .

She has monopolized too many years of YOUR life .

It’s YOUR life , move out and live it .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Don't let your jealous Mother take your chance at love and happiness from you!

Make your plans without her knowledge. If she insults your man, tell her she "sounds awful jealous." I wouldn't take the insults from someone I have done so much for, period. Of course she doesn't want to lose her care slave. TOO BAD!

It's very simple. People you do so much for should be doing the same for you in some form. Be it you have surgery and need help, or have a new relationship you are happy about, or a new pet you are thrilled with, or you lost weight and are proud of yourself. If the person (such as Mom) who has been given support and care by you, yet cannot (or won;t) return it, CUT THEM OFF. They never will. Their mind cannot comprehend true love, friendship and appreciation.

Life is too short to waste time and energy with selfish, jealous people. They know how much you have done for them, and their rude, face slap reactions are out of line. You BOTH KNOW THIS as adults.

Get yourself set up to get out of this prison of caregiving someone who does not appreciate you and your kindness. Do whatever it takes. Mom has had her life, her care slave, her way she wants. IT'S YOUR TURN.
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Reply to Dawn88
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/relationship-leading-to-marriage-and-living-with-elderly-mother-489459.htm

You say your Mom is independent and that you don't think she has dementia, but a verbal filter that seems to be breaking more and more could be a sign of cognitive decline.

Ignoring your Mom's inappropriate comments *every time* is called "extinguishing" that behavior. Or, undramatically get up and walk away as if she didn't say anything... don't give her comments any of your attention or energy. You will need to develop a thicker skin if you continue to live with her, or see her behavior with different eyes (seeing that she may have decline).

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I agree with Nacy; your mom has "skin in the game"; that is to say she hopes you will never leave her. Your new relationship is a direct threat.

It's unfortunate that you have chosen to live with your mother. I suggest you move out and are on your OWN for a while before moving only for a relationship. That often is jumping from the frying pan to the fire.

You mention a small to-do with your mother that seems quite trivial to me; were you two not so enmeshed it would easily be walked away from with a simple "I will consider your advice mom". Living with ANYONE isn't a simple thing. Living with a partner, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a child, even a roommate isn't easy.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Hi brainybird, your moms trying to manipulate you because she is scared that you will abandon her.

I get it, my mom doesn't like my husband because he makes me a stronger person, and doesn't let me be used.

But mom loves my ex husband because between the 2 they were controlling me pretty well, many moons ago.

I think she was also giving me busy work and needles errands to keep us apart.

This reminds me of step children that do everything they can to push away there parents partner.

I don't really have many answers for you, other than realizing, what has been really going on in my life and the crazy making mom and others where doing, that limiting my time, with mom. And also a bit understanding where Mom is in her life makes it easier to let the anger go , when mom ruffles my feathers

I took my power back, which you can also do.

What ever you decide to do, I get it!!

I look at my life this way now. I come first, then my relationship with my husband, then mom.

Best of luck
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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At 82 your Mom should still be able to take care of herself. You deserve a life of your own. She is just being afraid of being alone. That is really her problem. After being a Widow she should have got a life of her own. You should have had a life of your own. Now you can have it. Don't let this go. Maybe time to get your own place. I would not rush things in this relationship. Give it another year. Mom, you can make a day a week just for her. Run errands, have lunch together.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I don’t know your mother’s health or cognition status, but no one deserves to be berated no matter the cause. Please don’t listen to this again, walk away the minute it starts. If you don’t feel you can provide caregiving for her any longer, then know it’s time to find a new plan. A burned out, exhausted caregiver is no good for mom or you. Guarding your own wellbeing is never wrong. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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