SchalaMagus Asked September 4, 2026
I think that I'm burned out from caring for my parents
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I'm 47, live at home and I do everything in the house. My mom isn't very mobile because of her back and spends most of her time on the couch. She refuses to take care of her health, and it's never her fault. My dad does do things, like goes to the store, but he doesn't help much. I'm in therapy to deal with them and my situation. My parents are 66 and 75. I'm just so done that I want to run away.
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Why didn't you move out and spread your wings in your 20's like most people do? It's not too late to do that now, and I hope you'll find the courage to do just that.
Your parents are grown a$$ adults and have chosen the lifestyle they're living, so quit enabling them and just let them be. If your mom doesn't care about her health that's on her not you. Your dad will just have to step up and deal with things. And if they can't physically do much for themselves anymore then they'll just have to hire someone to come do it for them like the rest of us have to do.
66 is not old nor is 75. I am 67 and am far from being old, so time for you to spread your wings and fly right out of your parents coup.
And if your therpist hasn't already told you that, fire them and find a new one who'll be upfront and honest with you.
I just read your responses below where you say you're "disabled" and you can't work because of "mental health issues" yet at 47 you've never applied for disability and are wanting to now. What's taken you so long?
And just FYI, there are millions of disabled folks who still are able to work at least part-time and provide for themselves, so I'm not sure if you're just using your supposed disability as an excuse not to work or not to get on with living this one life you've been given, but only you can change that.
What are you going to do when your parents die? How will you fend for yourself then?
It sounds to me like you've never had the kind of parents to encourage you to get out there in the real world and do your best despite any "disabilities" you may have, and that is sad, and for that I am sorry.
We are ALL stronger than we realize and are ALL capable of great things if we apply ourselves, and quit making excuses as to why we can't do things.
I hope and pray that you'll find the strength and courage to make the changes necessary in your life so you can again get on with living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
There's one fact you don't mention. You say that you have no income. So you are dependent on your parents. This is not a judgment on you as a person. Think about what would happen to you if your parents up and disappeared tomorrow. Would you have a place to live? Would you have income to support yourself? Do you know how to pay a bill? Do you have a bank account of your own? Can you drive a car? These things have to be the top priority of your life. You should be the priority of your life, not your mother or her needs. If your therapist isn't telling you this, find a new one.
You deserve a life that is better than being dependent on your parents and at their mercy at your age. The only way your life changes for the better is if you make it change. No one is going to do it for you. I was in a situation very similar to yours some years back. I had nothing and was basically a care slave to my mother.
One day I was online and came across this forum. That was the first step. I connected with people who knew exactly what I was living in because they'd lived it themselves. I also went into therapy. I learned how to let go, how to detatch with love, and how to make myself a priority in my own life. I remarried, I own a thriving business, a nice home and have a good life.
You can have a good life too, but you have to start somewhere. That somewhere is getting some kind of paid employment. Don't say you can't work. You can if you want to and don't let anyone tell you differently. There's pride and dignity in all work and you sound like you could use some of both. You say you do everything in the house. You could be doing what you do at home now and get paid to do it. Take some classes part-time at community college or an adult education training program. Take steps to help yourself in your own life and others will want to help you as well.
Good luck to you and I hope you take some control of your life.
At just about your age, they sold everything. House, farm… everything. They retired and wanted the money to enjoy their retirement.
She. Had. Nothing.
No money. No place to live. No job. No work experience. No knowledge of how to be an independent, self-sufficient adult.
She got a room in town, and a minimum wage job at a grocery store.
Sounds bleak and difficult, right? I’m sure for a long time it was for her.
BUT, here’s the happy ending… Now, I’ve seen her enjoying her freedom, going on trips with friends, and beach vacations. Genuinely happy and fulfilled.
The work, and amount of it, you’ve been doing for your parents says to me you are a very capable person who can get a paying job and build a solid, happy life for yourself, and still be able to help out your parents if they truly need it.
I would work on a step-by-step plan with your therapist focused on how to break free of your situation. It will not be easy, and will take time—but it can be done,
Are you able to get a part-time job to start saving money? It would get you away from them. Money gives you options.
Please check in again. This is a very supportive forum.
There are different forms of this issue. I had an aunt-in-law who, as soon as her husband retired, said she couldn't drive anymore. Was she in an accident? No. Did she have a physical disability? Not that anyone including her four children knew of. The refusal to drive got her what she wanted - her husband's attention. He had to drive her everywhere - shopping, grocery store, entertainment. He had little time to pursue his retirement dreams, and his driving her everywhere set her mind at rest that he wouldn't meet other women if he was alone and out having fun without her.
My mother also feigned illnesses, or thought she really had them. She went to the ER over and over about "pains," only to be sent home because there was nothing really wrong with her. Her comment one time as we drove away after discharge from the ER: "That was a nice young doctor." Me: "Uh- huh." Mom, sadly: "But he never even touched me." Which is what she really wanted and thought she didn't get enough of from dad.
It's not uncommon for seniors to treat doctor's appointments as socialization. My mother certainly did. She had near a dozen different doctors that she saw regularly. I had care clients who used to look forward to their doctor's appointments. Then there's the in-between ER visits for extra attention if no office appointments are scheduled or they aren't getting enough attention at home. Or if they want to prevent their caregiver (or familiy) from going to a planned activity that doesn't include them. Even when it does include them, they may just want to ruin a special ocassion. Staging a crisis that requires an ER visit is a great way to accomplish that while also being the center of attention.
I told the story here way back about my friend's wedding that I was part of. It was an Indian wedding. There was so much planning that went into this. Special made clothing, rehearsals, travel, it was a lot. When my luggage was being loaded into the car in the driveway my mother started having chest pains. I told her to go and to call my sibling to take her to the ER is she felt she needed to go. She begged and pleaded for me to take her and I could always just get another flight. No. I did not do it. I got in the car and left. Turns out she was just giving a performance because she never called my sibling or an ambulance. She never even called one of her doctors.
Your parents are full-grown adults fully capable of taking care of themselves. They have gotten comfy with the one-way arrangement.
You aren't responsible for their happiness. You have your own life to live before it's too late. Move out and don't provide any more care for them... you've done your tour of duty. Let them figure out their own care from now on. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make fruitful changes.
And personal opinion here...if your therapist has not brought this up you might want to consult with another one.
If your parents need help they should either get caregivers that they can pay that will help with what they need help with.
Or
They can move to a facility that will have the help they need. either Assisted Living or if they can somewhat manage moving to an Independent Living facility that has Assisted living so when they need that it will be available.
Your mom should be talking with her doctor about options that can help improve her back. I can tell you with a bad back (and you do not say what the problem is) sitting on a couch all day is NOT going to help it. The old adage Move it or Lose it is somewhat true.
In any case you need to set boundaries.
You should be getting paid for the caregiving duties that you do.
you should not be the only one helping, they should be paying for other help that will help you out. Either other caregiver to give you a break or someone that will come in and clean, do laundry and other tasks that your parents rely on you to do.