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Hi All,I've posted here previously about the challenges over the past 5 years with my mother-in-law who has been on a steady decline with dementia for about 10 years now. She is 75 and her husband is 86 and they still live at home in Los Angeles.
While I saw what was coming a few years ago, and started researchingin-home helpers and touring assisted living/memory care places, both in L.A. and Phoenix, no action was taken by my husband or his sister (she's Power of Attorney). The past 5 years of visits with them have turned into caregiving visits, scrambling to make doctor's appointments, cleaning the house, giving her mom a shower, haircut, and clean clothes, etc. It was only in January this year that they finally arranged for some in-home helpers to come a few days a week. Regrettably, now they're down to just one helper.
This roller coaster has made me hit a wall to where I'm so burned out by no resolution or decisive action, that I'm having to completely disengage from the family for my mental health, and it's absolutely impacting my marriage to where I'm planning a trial separation. There are other factors as well, but the situation with his parents (whom I love dearly) is impossible. My husband and his sister are just letting things play out which won't end well. I have no more energy to give and need to leave.

I understand and hope you figure out a solution that won't be forced on you with some terrible episode. Poor planning never works out well.
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Reply to Dawn88
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75 is relatively young. This could go on for decades.

You know, these mil’s. Mine doesn’t even have dementia but called me asking if he had his phone, could he look at the phone and it was a stuck disposer. You should have just said that, mil.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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You should not be doing any caregiving for MiL or FIL. You already went above and beyond your call of duty..basically it’s not your business what hubby and his sister does. You gave your opinion..since they are not your parents you can’t force them to do/try anything . What is clear to you, is blind to what is right in front of hubby and sister. Maybe they are procrastinating..until an emergency like a fall happens. The FIL can’t be a caregiver since he’s too old. In my opinion, the MiL should be in either nursing home or memory care. The FIL should be in assisted living at least. MIL decline will get worse. When hubby goes there to “visit “ you make other plans…do NOT go with him. This too shall pass. Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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I'm sorry dear, you snd your sister need to align together and figure out what is best for your parents..
while you do this, I am going to stop reacting to this situation. You know how I feel, but you and your parents, and sister are frozen..
sister is POA. She and you need to take baby steps and be big kids and take initiative for mom and dad..
once they know this needs to happen, they should comply..
nobody wants to admit they need help..PRIDE gets in the way a lot of times..
stay your course, but don't break your marriage.just don't jump when they want you to check on ma & pa.
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Reply to MAYDAY
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CaregiverL 3 hours ago
It is her MIL & FIL & SIL
(1)
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I'm sorry dear, you snd your sister need to align together and figure out what is best for your parents..
while you do this, I am going to stop reacting to this situation. You know how I feel, but you and your parents, and sister are frozen..
sister is POA. She and you need to take baby steps and be big kids and take initiative for mom and dad..
once they know this needs to happen, they should comply..
nobody wants to admit they need help..PRIDE gets in the way a lot of times..
stay your course, but don't break your marriage.just don't jump when they want you to check on ma & pa.
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Reply to MAYDAY
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Thanks for the update. You’re one of many waiting on an event that forces change. It’s certainly no fun waiting on it, I’ve been there before and am there now from a distance with my in-laws. I have no involvement, they have advancing dementia, and live on their own. They still drive some, can’t remember anything from doctor appointments, are constantly at risk from scammers of all sorts, etc. The POA is uninterested in learning about dementia or taking any action, nothing is to a level that social services would act, so we wait. I hope you have peace in your wise decision to back away and protect yourself
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Thank you for the update. I feel your frustration through the computer screen, as I have with your previous posts. Sometimes you just have to let go, unfortunately. I probably already recommended this, but in case I didn't, look at some of Mel Robbins's "Let Them" videos online.
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Reply to MG8522
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If they have plenty of money, as you say, they could have 24/7 live-in caregivers with relief caregivers for when the live-in has to have time off. I can’t imagine why on earth this hasn’t been implemented. It would help all of you.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Thanks everyone for your input here. It really helps. It's been more than two months since I've spoken with my husband's parents. I usually do a Sunday evening video call to see how they're doing. It makes me sad and I miss them, but I've had to step away for my own sanity.

There's been no action on my husband or SIL's part, so my prediction is that it will take a major, serious incident or the death of one of them to get any kind of resolution. What makes me livid is that this is totally avoidable. I not only don't want something tragic to happen to them, but I really miss them and would love to spend more time with them - something we could do if they moved to the assisted living place 5 minutes from us (beautiful - like a resort). There's even a terrific, modern apartment complex right next door to the assisted living place that my father-in-law could move into if he wanted more independence. They have plenty of money, so this is not the issue.

Sadly, I've resigned myself to the probability that they'll die at home alone, or suffer a serious incident with their last days in the hospital. I'm just no longer motivated to rush over to L.A. once again if this happens.
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Reply to lpseaton1
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Based on what you're saying, your in-laws are long past the point where a 'helper' coming in a few hours a week is going to make any difference. They need live-in caregivers or they have to be moved to AL, memory care, or even a nursing home.

I was a homecare worker for many years before going into the business of it. I've seen your exact situation play out many times in families. Elderly parents become needy. Their adult children (who usually have good intentions) hit a brick wall when it comes to getting them the type of care they truly need. It can be parental stubborness preventing it, a disorganized estate, or the adult children refuse to see what's right in front of them when it comes to mom and dad. It sounds to me like your husband and his sister refuse to see how bad off their parents are.

Please show them this post and tell them it comes from a person who was in service for 25 years as a CNA caregiver in peoples' homes. When seniors are at the point where they're not able to shower, change their own clothes, or get to a doctor's appointment on their own, they cannot be allowed to live alone and someone coming in a few hours a week isn't going to cut it. Whatever the reasoning is that your husband and his sister have for why this is allowed to continue is something worth asking. Talk to them. Your in-laws need a higher level of care to live safely and they aren't getting it.

Many once happy marriages end in the divorce court when aging parents get needy and demanding. It's always sad to hear about. Try talking to them and tell them to read some of the many posts found here on this forum to help them get starting point with their parents. Good luck to you and I hope you and your husband work things out.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Indecision IS making a decision.
It is the decision to do nothing or to let things continue as they are.
YOUR decision to leave is an action you CAN take.
Once you leave the decision will be your husbands to decide if you are more important to him than his parents and sister.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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(Moderators, please relocate this post to Questions section, thanks)

Is it indecision on the family's part? Or are your in-laws uncooperative? Even with a fully activated PoA it is very difficult to get an resistant adult to do anything.

Also, what kind of solution do you think should happen if you had the power and will to get it done? Maybe they are down to 1 aid because in-home aids are expensive. Facilities are also expensive. Do they have the money to pay for that type of care on an ongoing basis? Maybe SIL doesn't want them to move in with her, if that seems to be the only solution. And for sure they should not ever move into your house.

More information would help with the context of your situation.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If your sister-in-law is the POA for your MIL, then she has full responsibility to make sure that her mother is being cared for in a proper manner and receiving the care she now requires. If she is dropping the ball that is on her not you or your husband as you both truly don't have a say in your MIL's care.
It sounds like your MIL's care is only the tip of the iceberg in your marriage issues, and this more than likely just brought the rest of it to light.
Perhaps stepping away for a bit will do you both good and make you reevaluate if your marriage is worth saving. Only you can make that decision in the end.
But after your break away I do recommend marriage counseling as all marriages deserve at least that much before one or both partners throw in the towel.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Instead of a separation, when your husband travels to see his mom, take a vacation yourself somewhere else. You might want to look into marriage counseling as well.
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Reply to JustAnon
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This is not your problem unless you are asked to bring them into your home to care for them. Sister is POA and as such has the power to help her parents. She uses their money to hire aides. She uses their money to get them into Assisted living. If Dad is still cognitive he and Mom can live together in an AL. He will have aides to care for her. 3 meals a day. Someone will wash their clothes and clean their room or apt. Dad can go to activities and outings and know Mom is safe.

You have to allow yourself to step away. This is husbands problem. Something serious will happen and then sister will have to do something. Your in-laws are their parents, their responsibility. Just be as a support for husband.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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