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My grandmother is 90 years old and has dementia and severe depression that started when her husband passed. She is still able to care for herself, makes microwavable tv dinners etc., but she does not clean or socialize very often. She also has a habit of wandering around outside. This past week while I was visiting she fell, miraculously she was uninjured (I immediately called 911 so she could get scans to check for internal bleeding etc) but had I not been there she would most likely still be on the ground. I am concerned for her safety. My mom, her daughter, is POA and has done an excellent job with driving back and forth but I can tell it is taking a toll on her. I also believe she is in denial at the severity of the situation. She keeps saying she is going to hire a live in nurse but has not even began to look for one. I feel like if I do move in with her, my mom will realize that it is time to get a nurse since we all live about 4 hours away. I am 33, divorced and no kids so it is not like I am giving up that much, but I am slightly concerned about my own mental health as I do struggle with anxiety and depression. I would love to hear from someone in a similar situation or any advice on what I should do.

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You moving in will give your family a great excuse not to find a better plan or help. You will be the plan and the help. It will exhaust you far beyond what you think. You cannot stay awake all the time to prevent wandering. My aunt, while dealing with dementia, escaped every extensive lock the family put on her home, and wandered at all hours of the night. It was terrifying. The falls will only worsen, they are truly the curse of old age. A live in nurse is not financially sustainable unless your family is super wealthy. At your age, you need to be working and planning your own financial future, plus having a social life. This will be incredibly isolating. I know this comes from a place of love and concern but I hope you’ll reconsider and work with your family to find a plan that works for all
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likedmovie512 Oct 2, 2026
The isolation is what I am worried about, but when I think about it I am pretty isolated already lol. She is very adamant about staying in her own home. She did so much for me while I was growing up, one time she even bought me a Jeep, so I want to do whatever I can to make sure she is happy, safe, and comfortable, even if that means putting my life on hold.
I am so sorry to hear about your aunt.
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Moving in with your grandmother will NOT make your mom realize that she needs to hire a nurse for her mom sooner than later, but will instead make her realize that since you're there that she doesn't have to now do a darn thing.
And I have to say...shame on your mom for even letting you consider moving in with her mother when she knows that you already suffer with anxiety and depression. To me that's just cruel.
Your grandmother will only continue to get worse and now requires many folks looking after her.
That's why your mom should now be looking into getting HER mother into a memory care facility where she will be looked after 24/7 and won't be able to wander.
Plus you need to be working a full-time job so how in the world would you be able to provide 24/7 care for your grandmother when you'll be working elsewhere?
And how in the world can you help your grandmother with her depression when you can't even help yourself with it?
I think you're living in a fantasy world here and truly have NO clue what it takes to care for a person with dementia. Do you know how to properly change an adults diaper when they've peed or pooped, and do you know where to look for them when they've wondered off over night and you haven't a clue as to what direction they went?
And are you prepared to get little to no sleep to make sure grandma doesn't wander or leave the stove on when she's wanting to make something to eat at midnight?
PLEASE tell your mother that she needs to be the one to step up and get HER mom placed in a memory care(as that will be much cheaper than hiring a 24/7 nurse)ASAP so your grandmother will be safe and receive the care she now requires.
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MAYDAY Oct 2, 2026
FUNKYGRANDMA IS RIGHT !!

Start looking into memory care now
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I would advise against this for all the reasons others have listed. It’s like jumping into the water and trying to keep a person who can’t swim afloat. It’s exhausting, gets worse over time, and there is no exit strategy other than the ones that already exist (meds, aides, facilities, and yes— death.)

You write, “I feel like if I do move in with her, my mom will realize that it is time to get a nurse since we all live about 4 hours away.”

Above all, do not do this to teach your mother anything. She will have to face this sooner if you don’t move in or take on any care. The only thing she will “learn” is that you are there, so it’s all your problem. There are also lots of questions around money in this scenario.

Please recognize that your grandmother WILL get worse no matter what anyone does.

I have a son about your age and all I wish for him is to concentrate on his OWN life and happiness. I would strongly oppose him doing this for my elderly mother under any circumstances and I am 100% opposed to him doing it for me or my husband either. It’s a worst nightmare scenario for me.
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If you move in with your grandmother, your mother will not realize that it is time to hire a nurse - she will be thankful that you have volunteered to be the live in nurse, and she will not have to take any action.
I applaud your desire to live with your grandmother; it might be wonderful to spend some one-on-one time with her. However, the job of taking care of her is probably more than you can manage on your own at home. If she is already wandering outside, how do you prevent her from getting lost or getting into danger? You simply can't have eyes on her 24 hours a day. You can't watch her every move when you are sleeping.
Push your mom to take her POA responsibility seriously and make a plan for Grandma's care. Your best options are: 1) You live with grandma AND hire an aide to come daily or live-in. Even a live-in aide can not watch her 24 hours a day, so it would be good to have 2 people to share the responsibility.
2) It may be time to move grandma closer to the rest of the family, and place her in a memory care facility, where she will be safely cared for by professional caregivers and nurses 24 hours a day. Typically, these facilities are locked down to prevent residents getting outside.

If you have reservations because you are concerned about how this may affect your mental health, you need to know it is NOT for the faint of heart! Caring for someone with cognitive decline and physical decline is extremely difficult, takes a lot of patience, a good attitude, and physical strength. People with dementia do Crazy things! Things you would never expect, and you can't reason with them or get them to change these habits. It only gets worse as time goes on.
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likedmovie512 13 hours ago
Thank you for your kind words. I have thought about this a lot and you are right - while it may work now, sooner rather than later it will get worse and not be good for her or my own mental health. I just hate all of this and wish there was an easier solution
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OP, it’s better not to find out all of this by doing it and finding that it goes wrong.

Your Mother should already have realised that GM is “90 years old and has dementia and severe depression”. GM has fallen once, and falls will probably get worse. M is “going to hire a live in nurse but has not even began to look for one”. When and if she does, she will find that hiring a live in NURSE will be impossible, that three shifts are required on each of 7 days, and that the whole idea is impossibly expensive. If you move in with GM, M is going to view this as a solution. She will NOT even try to find that mythical live-in nurse. M may have done an “excellent job with driving back and forth”, but that is not what is actually needed now.

Your best option is not to get involved in this. It probably needs to fail before things can be changed.
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Do not move in. Not even temporarily.

If you do, what is happening to your Mom will happen to you but twice as fast: burnout. And then she'll still have to find a different, more sustainable solution. And you'll be stuck struggling with your own anxiety and depression. This is a hard NO. DO NOT.

Your Grandma is wandering outside and not being aware of its dangers. This means she may have cognitive impairment. If so, no amount of company is going to cure her depression. What she really needs is medication. Soon.

Your Mom, as her PoA, now needs to step up and do things in her Mother's best interests *even if she resists*. Your Mom pays for her facility care by selling that house. Everyone sleeps better at night knowing Grandma is safe and secure in a good local AL or MC. No, she won't like it one bit. That's why your Mom needs to make all the arrangements without telling her and then employs a "therapeutic fib" to get her to move.

I've been on this forum daily since 2019. There won't be a single person who replies to you that will say anything other than "do not move in".

Don't worry how your Mom may react... she of all people should understand the potential for mental health disaster for you. She has other solutions -- it just cannot be you.
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likedmovie512 Oct 2, 2026
Do you have any advice on how to approach my mother with this? She gets extremely defensive when I try to bring options on places, ways to get her in there (I have even said I would be the one to tell her and do it so she'll be mad at me and not her) but it is like talking to a wall
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I am opposed to grandchildren caregivers, mainly because of the dysfunctional scenarios we read about on this forum quite regularly. Often there seems to have been parental neglect or absence of some kind, so that the grandparent had to step in take over the role of parent, for better or worse. Anything like that in the mix in your situation?

I’m glad you noted your anxiety and depression and need to protect your health. A person with anxiety and depression doing 24/7 caregiving for a person with severe depression does not sound like a great situation to me. You sound extremely loving, caring and thoughtful but love just isn’t enough in caregiving, unfortunately.
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likedmovie512 13 hours ago
No my mom is very much in her life and takes great care of her but she is in denial about the situation. Since the fall my grandmother keeps saying she will not be going outside alone anymore, so my mom thinks she is fine. She seems to think that you can only fall outside.
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Consider this, you and your mother actively search for assisted or independent living near you and your mother.. this way, you and your mom can be daughters and granddaughter to your grandmother, and oversee her caregiving while still actively bring the loving supportive daughters to her.
You will not get burnt out as easily. You will be able to live your life as close to what it is now. Your grandmother will get more attention, new friends, and 3 meals a day, and senior activities,.
You can willingly come to get and walk the premises, take her out for treats, etc. please choose yo look into facilities close to you snd your mother. 4 hours away is a bit too far, and tiresome.
Choices: if GMother owns her home, you csn sell it to pay for facility, or rent it, and keep looking on your post.
More people will respond with very good opinions and ideas for you snd mom to consider..
🙏
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likedmovie512 Oct 2, 2026
I should have added more to this post -- I am not the best at putting my thoughts into words haha. So we have tried the assisted living and she won't hear it. I personally do believe it would be beneficial because you like mentioned she would have friends, events, people to talk to all within the safety of the facility. We have the money to pay for it without the need to sell her house, so I would really like to move there and be close to the facility where I can visit everyday. But unfortunately, I cannot make that decision since I am not POA.
Thank you for your thoughtful response! I just wish I could my mother to understand.
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LISTEN TO DSUGHTER1930 !!!

Take Notes!!!

TAG !! YOU ARE IT!! You don't want to be IT.. it is exhausting..

be the LOVING granddaughter and mother.. you two can only last for sooo looong before all the balls drop..,
Start touring assisted living..set up appointments and tours now.
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No. This isn’t your problem to fix for the same reason, bluntly, that you won’t be getting inheritance ahead of your parent and her siblings.
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likedmovie512 Oct 2, 2026
My mom is an only child, and I already have 30% of my inheritance.
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