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My mom moved in with my wife and I a couple months back due to triple negative breast cancer and she is driving us insane. She is cynical, pessimistic and difficult to deal with. We have tried to be nice, firm, straightforward but noting works. My wife is fed up. This sh*t is hard.

It will never work. She needs to move out, and it's probably up to you to make that happen. Rule #1: Her money pays for her care. You and wife do not pay for her care. You've done enough.

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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
True!
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Can I also suggest you reframe your thinking, to ditch the underlying perspective that living with family is the best option? Elder care (not to mention memory care when/if needed) is complex. If a family member asked you to do their accounting, their taxes, their carpet steam cleaning, their car repair, their major surgeries -- you'd say definitely no, unless you happen to be such a trained professional (and maybe not even then since there can be issues with scheduling, bias, objectivity, or conflict of interest).

Plus, it's not a one- or two-person job. Socializing, connection, medical care, environmental customization, entertainment -- there are so many aspects that you can't replicate in your home even if you give up your time, freedom, and preferences.

I am 100% certain that my mother-in-law's daily life, care, and safety are all far superior at the AL/MC facility where she lives than they would be if she were stuck here in our house. Separate entirely from the lack of accessibility and space here, she's at a place with an apartment large enough to contain all the furniture and belongings she loves and to fully control her own space, there's on-site medical oversight, aides that handle her ADL needs, activities available every day, visiting dogs, a cafeteria with 3 daily meals, and staff and residents who all know her, socialize with her, and keep an eye on her.

I know it's not a happy ending for every elder individual who has to leave their home, but moving in with a child or other relative isn't always (or even usually imho) the next best thing. Get away from thinking about the various types of elder living facilities and communities the depressing way they're almost always shown in movies and on TV. Figure out what her current needs are and schedule some tours to see what's available in your area. (And then help facilitate her moving on to her next adventure :)
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DaughterByLaw Aug 9, 2026
Addendum: I don't know if there's anything like this in your area, but I can't say enough about how helpful this eldercare referral agency was for us (in the twin cities, MN) -- I suggest googling a bit to see if you can find something like them: https://twincitiescare.com/what-we-do/our-process/
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If mom is undergoing treatments, the only viable way to have her stay with you is for the treatment period only. Then she leaves. My son took his father, my ex, in when he had stage 4 colon cancer and was undergoing about a year of chemo. Once the treatments ended, he moved out and went back home. They all had the understanding in place all along. Because my ex can drive anyone insane when he's well, never mind when he's sick from chemo and has an audience! Even with an end in sight, my DIL nearly had a nervous breakdown waiting on him hand and foot. Plus he was paying them to stay there. It was way too intolerable.

So. Imo there needs to be an end in sight for your mom's stay with you. If she's not being treated, she may need to go to Skilled Nursing for 24/7 care and hospice until she passes, Idk the details. But you cannot have her ruin your marriage by staying in your home for the duration.

Best of luck finding another living arrangement for mom.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
Thanks, I’m going to tell her she has to go. In a more polite manner though, lol.
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We sold our home, a lake home and the home that we’d purchased 20 yrs prior for his mother, to afford a suitable home that satisfied her enough to live with us. Her in law suite alone was 1000 sf, 2/2, with a beautiful deck overlooking a wooded valley.
Within 3 years, I was asking for a divorce and ready to move out, and going nearly mad. Fortunately, my husband said hell no, we’re moving her out and selling this huge home she has no appreciation for.
That was 11 years ago and she is a miserable, friendless, 95 year old living in a small apartment. Some narcissists never die. She is a daily drag on my husband and his sister, but our home is peaceful now.
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Lovemyseniors1 Sep 3, 2026
Thanks for sharing your story.
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Nice of you to try to give mom a place to live. Unfortunately it’s proven not to work. Your marriage and home life take priority here, or you’ll lose them. Time for an honest talk with mom on her next living options
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
You’re absolutely right. Thanks for your reply.
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Get her out.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
That’s the plan. Thanks
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Time to tell mom that you tried but it's just not working anymore and that she has to find somewhere else to go on her dime of course.
If money is an object then she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
Even though your mom has cancer your marriage and your wife MUST come first. Period, end of sentence.
Mom must go.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
For sure!!! Thanks
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I’m in a very similar position. My mother came to live with my wife and I six weeks ago and it seems to be getting harder the longer we’re doing this. She had a fall and living on her own isn’t safe anymore. That’s it- there’s no ongoing treatment or anything. We’re having a hard time with the snide comments and questions about every single thing we do and how we do it. We’re losing our patience. Sorry for jumping into this conversation and making it about me. I’m reading comments that say “it’ll never work.” Is this really not possible?
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MargaretMcKen Aug 6, 2026
The longer M stays, the more she learns about the way you and your wife do things, and the more she feels like criticising. She feels like the senior member of your trio, fully entitled to criticise because of her own extensive experience.

Perhaps you can convince her to hold her tongue and things may settle down. Probably not. If not “it’ll never work” and she has to go.
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Was she always this way or do you think her diagnosis/prognosis is causing her to act out or be depressed? How old is she? Does she have dementia? I think the answer to these questions will determine what you do.

Does she have enough money to live on her own and hire aids?

If not, you can connect her with social services for her county. Maybe she's a candidate for Medicaid.

Are you her PoA? If so, I hope it's durable. Does she have an Advance Healthcare Directive? She can create a very detailed one with her oncologist.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
She’s always been cynical and difficult but it’s different when you’re at a distance, lol. She has several other health problems. Cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. Her state of mind is solid enough to know what she’s doing. I am her POA.
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It was a mistake moving your mom in with you. Some families can live just fine with multi-generations. There is no reason your mother needs to live with you.

I don't know what triple negative breast cancer is, but I do know how difficult it is to live with someone who is cynical, pessimistic and difficult to deal with.
And, to top it all off, your wife is fed up.

Your wife is your first responsibility. Don't lose your marriage over someone who is cynical, pessimistic and difficult. Or, even if she was sweet, but your wife feels uncomfortable with the intrusion of another person in her home. Your wife, your home and you come first.

Your mom can live in Senior housing (an apartment complex for seniors and disabled, but living independently), or in Assisted Living, with other seniors, where she can live as independently as she is able, but with help tailored to her needs. When the time comes for more hands-on care, then a skilled nursing facility will be available to provide the care she needs.
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