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I am now caring for a parent who really never liked me & often blamed me because she got pregnant at an early age & married into abuse. She was always physically & emotionally abusive & now I find myself living with her in my home & being accused of saying & doing things I'm not. This is what I have lived with almost my entire life. I was able to escape it for a short while. She created distance between me & my father & his excuse was that it was easier to live with her if he didn't have contact with me. She also drove a wedge between me & my sister (who is now deceased). She always made me choose between her & everyone else & I lost so many people in my life because of it. She is now 83 & having memory issues. I'm not sure if it's age or meds or both. This is something I never wanted to do but felt an obligation to do because I'm the only person she has.

Right now that post Geaton referred to is in discussions right under your post.
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If she has money, place her into an Assisted Living. If she doesn't have money there is Medicaid.

You owe this woman nothing. If she ever hits you, call 911 and tell them she needs help. Refuse to take her back into your home. Let the State take over her care. If she is hospitalized and especially if she goes to rehab, have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found she is 24/7 care, tell the Social Worker she needs to be transferred to a LTC facility. No money, then Medicaid will need to be applied for. Be very firm that she can't come back to your home. You are not able to care for her 24/7.

You have to do this for your mental health. You owe this woman nothing.
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Don't. Stop now, before you get further dug in. Does your mother have money to live on her own? What are her specific needs?
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This could go on for another decade, Do you want that? I didn’t think so. Please get her into some type of ALF, and put as much energy as possible into re-claiming your own life, You have given her enough of your life and time.
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You do whatever you have to to get her out of your house and into a facility or setting that will provide her with the care that she needs.
You do not care give for someone that has abused you in the past and is currently abusing you.
You are not "obligated" to care for her. PLEASE get that out of your head!!!
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You owe your abuser nothing. Even if she gave birth to you. Even if she demands that you provide for her. NO WAY!

I'd certainly like to know how you are responsible for her being pregnant. You didn't do the deed, she did. She suffered the consequences. Passing blame along to you is beyond crazy.

Get her out of your home. Your home is yours and you don't have to have anyone in it that you don't want there. If she has no one else, that's her fault. I wish you luck in cutting the umbilical cord once and for all, and I hope you will regain your peace once she's gone.
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Put her in memory care. Don't let her steal another moment of your life or put once more bit of blame for her life choices on you.

I was a caregiver for many years and have seen every family dynamic there is, and I'm going to tell you what I've told more family caregivers that I can remember who were taking care of an elderly parent, relative, or spouse.

"Caregiving only works when it's done on the CAREGIVER'S terms. Not the care recipient's".

Clearly, the caregiving is not being done on your terms. You can still help your mother if you want to. You can still be in her life and help with caregiving. It does not have to involve living together. You set the boundaries and the terms on what you are willing to do for her. She does not.

Please, do not let her blame you for her miserable life and abusive marriage. It's not your fault. You did not ask to be born. A man and a woman had careless sex and a baby happened. The baby is not responsible for their recklessness.
You did not force her to stay in an abusive marriage or to have another child. She CHOSE to do that. She could have gotten divorced. Many, many women her age were and are divorced. She could have taken her kids and made a better life for them and herself. That would have meant she would have had to stand on her own two feet, work a job, and be in charge of a family. Many women believe staying in miserable, abusive marriages is easier than taking taking responsibility for themselves and their kids. It's not. Your mother chose to stay and live in abuse and misery then made you pay for her own cowardice. That's not on you.

Put her in memory care and maybe try talking things over with a therapist. You deserve some peace in your life, and I hope you get some.
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Boy oh boy your mom should trained you well didn't she? The fact that you believe you deserve to continue to be abused by this woman who gave you birth, is so incredibly heartbreaking and down right sick if you ask me.
I mean when is enough enough with you?
I don't care if you are the only person your mom(I use that term loosely as she doesn't deserve that title) has... you are NOT the one who should be caring for her.
NO ONE that was abused in any way by a parent should EVER take on the hands on care of said parent. That is just so wrong on so many levels.
Time for you to start putting yourself and your mental health first and get your mom placed in the appropriate facility.
And if mom doesn't have money, then she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
PLEASE stop the insanity and get mom out ASAP!!!!
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There’s no way you should be providing care for a person who’s been toxic to you for most of your life. It’s a bad dynamic for you both and will not work. Stop trying to do this, it will ruin your health. Arrange for her to live elsewhere and restore peace in your home
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Gretagrl,
Read "I almost became a caregiver for a narcissistic parent. What I learned that likely saved my life." by GeorgiaPeach1.
She posted her story her on this Aging Care forum.

You have already lost so much to your toxic mother. You do not have any obligation to take care of her now. There are care homes which provide the cares she needs. Use her money to pay for it. If she runs out of money, then she applies (you can help) for Medicaid assistance.
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Greta, I would like to warn you about false allegations about you and your actions by your incubator. (The thing you call mother.)

ALL medical persons are mandated reporters and your mom telling lies could get you thrown in jail. Then you have the expense of defending her false allegations. This could entail you not even being able to live in your own home until it is resolved.

This is a situation that you should extract yourself from before she literally costs you your freedom.

She can go into an assisted living facility, she can go to a woman's shelter but, she should not be allowed to stay in your home.

There are very stringent laws for vulnerable seniors and the crap your mom is pulling is a waiving red flag for you to protect yourself.

She has shown you who she is and how she feels about you, BELIEVE HER! and protect yourself.

If you don't believe me, go see an attorney and find out from them what could happen to you because of her lies.

Abused children should NEVER grow up and become a caregiver to their abuser. It's a dangerous situation for them and they can very well pay a greater price then anyone could ever imagine.

She doesn't deserve to continue to have you as her kicking post. Save yourself and let her deal with the consequences of her choices.

You truly deserve so much better.
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83 seems to be the magic number. I too am going through the same thing with a very narcissistic mother, but I don’t have to live with her.
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