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🙂 Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
(4)
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🤔 Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
(4)
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🤯 It is astonishing how long it takes to finish something you are not working on.
(6)
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Pretty rude that the weekend is already almost over, but ok.
(2)
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🙂 One day I was born.

☹️ Then everything bothered me.

🙂 And that brings us up to date.
(4)
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Stop complaining about your life.
There are people out there dating your ex.
(5)
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If you’re 40+
it’s time to leave the young girls alone and get a woman who understands the first signs of stroke.
(4)
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No one will ever be there in “two minutes”.
(3)
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Body type:
Clearly not one to turn down a taco.
(2)
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🙄😘
I wish I were full of tacos 🌮 instead of emotions.
(4)
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At my funeral instead of putting flowers on my casket. I want the flowers to be thrown into group of mourners attending my funeral to see who is next.
(5)
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Low self-esteem:

Dear Diary,
Sorry to bother you again...
(2)
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If I had 100 friends...
I would turn my phone off.
(1)
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🙂 🐈 Cat worries:
What if I'm too awesome?
(2)
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Dating advice:
Ask people questions that give them an opportunity to talk about themselves:

What the h*ll is wrong with you?
(3)
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☹️ Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
(5)
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🙂 I taught my pet wolf how to meditate…
Now he’s aware wolf.
(6)
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🥰 Life is short.
Lick the bowl.
(2)
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I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink. That’s about it.
(3)
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🥰🥰🥰🥰
I would walk across legos for you.
(3)
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I’m going to start telling men “I know a place”, then drop them off at a therapist.
(2)
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😉 They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they're not laughing now.
(8)
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😉 I was so surprised when the stationary store moved.
(5)
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😉 My ex still misses me. But their aim is getting better!
(5)
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"Three wishes," the genie says.
"First wish," the stoner grins, "let's smoke a joint." They do.
Then, "Second wish, let's smoke another." They do.
For the third wish, he says, "Let's smoke one more."
The genie, looking concerned, says, "Are you sure? You have only one wish left."
"Yeah, man, I'm sure," the stoner replies. They smoke, and the genie goes back in the bottle.

A little while later, the genie comes out of the bottle and says, "Alright, what's your fourth wish?"
(2)
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🙂 Just wanted to let you know, that I'm pretty good in bed.
I hardly ever fall out now.
(4)
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🙂 What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin!
(3)
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Brain (noun)

Something we all have but don’t use very often.
(1)
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i already posted this, but i have to re-post it because it’s funny:

🥰 Soulmate (noun)

Someone who does the same weird things you do.
(2)
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Secret (noun)

Something you tell everybody to tell nobody.
(3)
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