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Does it count as saving someone's life
if you just refrain from killing them?
(2)
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2016: didn't jog
2017: didn't jog
2018: didn't jog
2019: didn't jog
2020: didn't jog
2021: didn't jog
2022: didn't jog
2023: didn't jog
2024: still haven't jogged

This is a running joke.
(4)
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--Relax David, it's just a small surgery, don't panic.

--But doctor, my name isn't David...

--I know. I am David.
(5)
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😳 I burn most of my calories by rolling my eyes.
(1)
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10 am — anything is possible
2 pm — but not today
(4)
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I'm awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
(5)
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🙂 
The path to inner peace begins with 3 words:
not my problem.
(5)
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🙂 
Have you ever been on a date and thought,
dying alone doesn't sound that bad?
(3)
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🤷‍♀️ Today’s generation will never get to know the satisfaction of slamming down the phone during an angry hang-up.
(4)
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🙄 Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life when they realize they’re stupid?
(3)
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I was addicted to the hokey-pokey
but I turned myself around.
(4)
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🙂 
You'll all be sorry
when I figure out how to breathe fire.
(2)
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🙄 If it's the thought that counts,
I should probably be in jail.
(3)
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🙂 🙂 
I've never had a problem
that I couldn't make worse.
(4)
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I’m not adding this year 2024
to my age. I did not use it.
(3)
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😉 Few of us could bear to have ourselves for neighbours.
(1)
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😇💪🏻 We’re all brave in our own way.

For example, I’m not afraid of rough cookie dough.
(2)
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🙃 Sorry about the mess
but we live here.
(5)
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Some babies were dropped on their heads.
You were clearly thrown at a wall.
(3)
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😳 You haven’t known fear until
you’ve tried on a too-small dress and thought you were stuck in it forever.
(3)
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😇 I’m not as mean as I could be and I want people to be grateful for that.
(4)
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noticed a typo down there.

i meant to write:
😇💪🏻 We’re all brave in our own way.

For example, I’m not afraid of RAW cookie dough.

----
since i'm on the cookie topic anyway, here are some more:

What do you call a smart cookie? Academia nut.

-----
Tough cookies stick together.
(4)
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😉 To truly find yourself, you should play hide & seek alone.
(4)
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Dogs can be our best friends,
but the cat will never tell the police where the marijuana is.
(3)
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😇😇😇
I hug people that I hate,
so that I know how big to dig the hole in my backyard.
(5)
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🙂 🙂 
I'm in a really good place spiritually.
So please f---- off.
(3)
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🙂 🙂 
I don't hate you,
I'm just simply not excited about your existence.
(4)
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Wish list:
peace of mind.
(5)
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🤷‍♀️ People will tell you they care, but they don’t seem to show it unless you get sick, die or become famous.
(3)
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🙄 I have a “dry clean only” sweater that is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.
(7)
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